Wednesday, December 18, 2019

Top Gun: The Shoulda Been Sequel

Present day. 

Maverick is standing over Goose's grave on the 30th anniversary of his death, in a chauffeur's outfit (but still wearing aviator's wings of gold on his chest). 


In a flashback, we learn Iceman and Mav had been booted from the Navy for involvement in the tailhook scandal of the early 90s.  They subsequently found Top Gun Limo, which had great success until the economic collapse of '08, leaving them as its only drivers. 


Back in the present day.  Suddenly, creepshow style, Goose's gnarled hand breaks out of the grave and grabs Mav's foot. His flaming skull bursts out of the ground, filled with worms and bugs, singing "You've Lost that Lovin' Feelin'" in a hideous moan.  Dozens of corpses burst out of surrounding graves. 


Regaining his composure, Mav runs to his limo, which is decked out to look like an F-14, complete with afterburners. Mav drives away with the ghouls on his tail. He radios Ice that he needs help. "There are bogeys - no, boogeymen - all over me!" 


Ice tells him to drive to the nearest Scientology Center, which just then appears over the horizon, a huge structure in the shape of an aircraft carrier.


Inside the center, with corpses on his heels, Mav finds who he thinks is John Travolta dressed up as his Battlefield Earth character. "Oh John!" he exclaims, "Thank Ron you're here!" Terl snarls, "I'm not Travolta, you worthless man-animal! Now, out with you!" He throws Mav to the curb and slams the door. 


All the corpses are into the last verse of Lovin' Feelin' just before descending on Mav, Goose in the lead. 


Meg Ryan sits at a piano in the parking lot watching this, gushing "Oh, Goose ya big lug!" before segueing into her When Harry Met Sally orgasm scene for no particular reason. 


Inside the center, Kelly McGillis churns butter in her Witness Amish attire at Travolta/Terl's command. 


A very fat Iceman pulls into the parking lot in his F-14/Limo, thinks better of it after surveying the scene, and pulls back out, leaving Mav to die. 


Roll credits.