Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Sister Morphine, meet my acquaintance Chalupa from down the block

I'm slightly less full of shit today. I caved and went for the all purpose Chalupa from Taco Bell, the straw that finally broke the camel's back (or, or accurately, sent this bowel camel running for the john). The massive gobs of fat and rancid secret recipe juices provided just the jolt my digestive system needed to wake it from its extended slumber. Drop The Chalupa, indeed. Gidget the Taco Bell Chihuahua died a few months back, but her beloved Chalupa is still bringing joy to millions (though God knows not in the taste buds - it was clearly designed for more medicinal uses).

To be fair, I got a lot of advice during my week long malady and it was likely the combined effects of these more 'traditional' (non Taco Bell-based) remedies that did the heavy lifting. I've never been the most regular person, despite my slavish devotion of all things Activia (damn you, Jamie Lee). But a week lost wandering in the desert is too long even for a crap camel like me; I'm glad it's over and I can re-join civilization again.

Several of you provided me with longer term dietetic and homeopathic strategies toward regulation and I plan on following them. I'll give it my best effort anyway, which admittedly doesn't count for a whole lot. Thanks much to all who passed on their wisdom.

The trick with "thinking outside the bun" is moderation. I don't run for the border that is Taco Bell all that often but when I do, I limit my selections to Meximelts and Chalupas (and no more than two each, taken orally with gallons of water).

I swear that place ought to require a doctor's prescription: it's powerful stuff that can really play havoc with your GI tract if you're not careful. Yet I see young people in there with no obvious ailments, pretending to "enjoy" the stuff cause the cool kids are doing it. It starts out with recreational "snacks" and the next thing ya know, you're strung out and locked for hours a day in the can.

Just say no. Drop the Chalupa. I heard they actually have Taco Bell locations in Mexico now. That's just so wrong. It should be a felony to operate a Taco Bell in the Southwestern US, let alone Mexico, without the appropriate DEA controls. It most certainly shouldn't be legal to sell it as food there (and what idiots would actually attempt to buy it as such when real Mexican cuisine is plentiful?) Treat it like medical marijuana.

But just as I wouldn't want the kids of our nation hooked on smack, I wouldn't want to deny somebody in agony in a hospital ICU access to morphine to dull the pain. And so it is with Taco Bell's medications.  One Chicken Chalupa with lactated ringers and D5W then transport to the restroom stat.