'No future for you' - J. Lydon, 1977

Mad Men marathon! Ah, but it's just the 3rd season stuff.  Dr. G marathon! It's Sunday - what's new?  I'm torn between watching these and the Eagles game (the latter only in anticipation of someone taking a cheap shot at Michael Vick and rooting on Kansas City - thus far it's not working in my favor).  
The thought of these choices is depressing on a level I didn't think possible.

Miserable rain, a goddamn cold - I already had the flu over the summer for crying out loud - and here comes another fucking Charles Schwab commercial to further rattle my brain. Why didn't 'Chuck' go under with the financial industry collapse? A clear sign there is no God; if there is, he's surely a sadist. 

I think it's time to get it over with: pass me the Plum Smart flavored Activia, cover me with a Snuggie and hand me the number of a good nursing home (time to check myself in).  That or hit me upside the head with a wet sock full of dogshit. Whichever is easier.  Is there some irony in the fact that I have the TV sound off and the Sex Pistols on the stereo?  Probably not irony, just a bit of pathetic sadness. Meanwhile, somewhere in the world, John Lydon's prostate is acting up and the self proclaimed anti-christ is cleaning his dentures in a glass while watching a Madlock marathon.  Or maybe he's enjoying Dr. G like me.

Back in the real world, apparently our long national nightmare may finally be over as I see the crafty Swiss have snared international super villain Roman Polanski in a 'career retrospective film festival' sting.  He fell for that old chestnut?  I recall it failing miserably when the CIA tried it with Bin Laden a couple years back:
"The Tora Bora Terrorism Follies featuring the works of Osama and the Not-Ready-for-72-Virgins Players" was quite an embarrassment to the boys in Langley when only Momar, Oliver Stone and then-Senator Obama bothered to show up, though Bin Laden did send Glenn Beck to accept the lifetime achievement award on his behalf. (Who would have thunk that last one? I would have.)

BTW, the CIA really shouldn't have advertised a 'Saturday mini-retrospective on Kenyan Terrorist Romantic Comedies' for this 'festival' if they wanted to keep the audience clear of American officials for a clean bust (they had to have known of Barack's Muslim Socialist Fascist Kenyan inclinations).  However, that Obama not only attended but kept breaking out into Arsenio Hall "Woof Woof" gestures during the Kenyan flicks should have at least raised a red flag with regard to the nefarious intentions of our future dear leader. That'll teach the CIA: now they have to translate the daily presidential briefings into Swahili and soon all agents not otherwise in the field will have to attend the four week government-grade medical school and do double duty as federal healthcare physicians.

Tonight is a busy evening for tube watching, what with 60 Minutes, Dexter and Californication kicking off new seasons + Curb and Mad Men.  Thank god for DVRs.

Now I need to stop typing garbage into this infernal blog and start studying (the alarm went off a month or so ago on what seems to be a recurring every-two-years new job itch and I'm in serious talks with a couple doctors who can treat this outbreak for me but only if I prepare).

[Postscript: The Sex Pistols gave way to Groovelily on the stereo and Dr. G/Mad Men/Football gave way to the Wizard of Oz (all the other shows will just have to cool their heels in my DVR until I finish this journey down the yellow brick road).  I haven't taken this trip for a long, long time.  It was my very favorite movie as a young boy and perhaps the most anticipated television day of the year for me when they replayed it annually on ... well, whichever one of the three networks that had the rights - I could google it if I wasn't so lazy.  Oz was, to me as a kid, a world apart from the shitty one I was living in.  

Little did I know Judy Garland's life was hell and she had already long since undertaken a daily regiment of booze, pills and tobacco that would have put Janis Joplin and Billy Holiday to shame by the time she filmed Oz at age 17.  Still, that knowledge doesn't hurt the movie one lick; in fact, it adds some poignancy to the mix.]

Momar, Mackenzie and those !#*@! Charles Schwab Ads

I had several folks asking me for further comment on Momar's adventures in New York this week but I'm not sure there's more to say. Gadflydafi's actions speak for themselves, whether he's pitching his usual traveling tent at Trump's place in West Chester or giving a reading of Allen Ginsberg's Howl at the UN Wednesday (at least that's what I think he was doing; there's some question as to the fidelity of his interpretation).


The "king of kings", as he was referred to by one of his lackeys yesterday in introducing him to the assembly, was acting predictably loony but not so much that there's any comic value in mocking him further (he does that just fine on his own).

He was accompanied as per usual by his all-female 'Robert Palmer/addicted-to-love' style female bodyguards, but that isn't news.

'Nough said.

There are more important things going on in the world.

For instance, Julie Cooper's alter-ego Mackenzie Phillips was apparently screwing her father, or so she says in her just-published tell-all (and, naturally, on Oprah). Also, he introduced her to shooting coke and presumably other such typical father-daughter rites of passage. Papa John, it seems, wasn't the most adept at working the syringe for Mac, missing the vein and numbing her whole arm. I could see Mike Brady attempting to 'fix' Marsha in this manner. Hilarity ensues. Meanwhile, nobody was gettin' fat 'cept Mama Cass (coke does that to ya).

Speaking of dope, what sort of Cristal and Eight Ball bender resulted in the conception and approval of that obnoxious yuppie whiner Charles Schwab ad campaign? Shooting live action celebrities and then animating them in grotesque and unnatural ways ('rotoscope") makes each one all the more jarringly pompous.

It's like someone raking their fingernails down the chalkboard of my psyche whenever one of these abortions flash onto the TV screen, causing a Pavlovian reflex to kick into to the nerves in my right thumb, compelling it to press down hard on the channel changer of the remote. I'd just as soon use my money for toilet paper than give it to the Schwab shit-for-brains. I wouldn't want my cash associating with theirs.

At least some folks have the good sense to bust on this cheapjack shit.

Charles Schwab Rotoscope commercial Parody

Momar and Mahmoud rock Manhattan - A Blitzkrieg Bop through the Big Apple, featuring Hasselhoff and Winehouse

My eyes rested on two items today that Google News decided to categorize together for me.

One was David Hasselhoff's continuing struggle with the bottle. David claims this latest ride to the emergency room for alcohol poisoning was an 'ear infection' affecting his equilibrium. Sure, 'Michael' - tell it to K.I.T.T. It was his fifth such trip (emphasis on the fifth).

The other item was Mahmoud ImADickYaHeard's reaffirmation of (and pride in) his frequent remarks labeling the Holocaust a fabrication concocted by the Jews to steal his land. Well, not exactly - to steal the land of his friends. Er, not quite. (After all, I don't see him offering to drive the Palestinian people to the airport or help to paint their spare bedroom over the weekend.) Alright, to steal the land of people he despises a little less than the Jews. Or maybe just another grab at the spotlight and to look righteous and defiant (scoring points with the hardliners).

These are two ginormous goof balls whose ridiculous antics affect the world in different ways, to be sure. 'Mitch Buchannon' is mainly screwing up his immediate family and perhaps 'fans' who should know better. Maybe producers who should know better. ImADickYaHeard, on the other hand, is attempting to play on the pain and suffering of the disenfranchised, perpetrating a meta-lie (lying about people lying). Now to be clear, I'm no Israel apologist - they don't have a monopoly on right (or wrong). Ultimately, for any sort of real solution, the Israelis and Palestinians will both need to compromise. Sadly, that day may never come and it's dicks like ImADickYaHeard that'll help ensure it won't.

What do drunkard and dickweed have in common (besides being jack asses of greater or lesser magnitude)? Seemingly not much (though I hear through the grapevine that ImADickYaHeard is a closet Baywatch fan).

They do have a vaguely German connection in that Hasselhoff's 'music' is inexplicably popular in that country and ImADickYaHeard's worldview would have been favorably viewed by that country's leaders back in the 30s (though his race would most certainly not have been). But that's an unfair (and nonsensical) comparison based on a stereotype of the kind Iran's head bonehead would no doubt approve.

So it goes back to them both being goof balls. Fodder for the rest of us to have a bit of fun.

For instance, perhaps The Knight Rider could team up with Amy Winehouse, record a duet album of boozy classics (Tiny Bubbles, Tubthumping, One Bourbon One Scotch One Beer, Too Drunk To Fuck, Gin and Juice). Maybe go on tour? I think the New York Booze Cruise people are calling!

Speaking of duets, I think ImADickYaHeard should team up with Momar "Crazy Legs" GitOffMe. Mahmoud and Momar are both in New York toward the end of this week to catch some of the fall runway shows (and perhaps swing by the UN, if there's time). Two wild and (literally) crazy guys. Momar could give the hirsuted one some fashion tips ahead of their arrival.

Swinging batshit loony dictators out and about, doing the town! (Whatcha mean CBGB closed down!?! Momar, you promised! The Ramones! Blitzkrieg Bop! Johnny and Joey are dead? Next thing you'll tell me the Dictators have broken up! Well, there's always Scores!)

Or - and I'm just trying to tie this post up here somehow - we could book them on the Hasselhoff/Winehouse New York Booze Cruise.

We're talking wine(house and the liquid variety), women (Momar's Famed Female Body Guards) and song (David and Amy live!).

And after all the fun and games, we'll arrange for a nice long rest for them off the side of the boat into the East River (you too, Hasselhoff - let's see Mr. Baywatch swim with an anchor locked tight around your leg).

Sleep tight, boys.

Johnny and Momar go to (Englewood's) White Castle

Everyone's favorite terrorizin' Gadfly is winging into town next month to introduce his fall fashion line. I also wouldn't count out a stylish collaboration or two taking place between Momar and Vogue's Prada wearing devil while he's here. Maybe I smell a cover? After all, he's already made Vanity Fair this month. He's clearly the Gold Standard of modern batshit insane urbane clotheshorse dictators.

Oh, yeah - and maybe he'll swing by the UN too, if he has time.

Apparently Libya owns an estate in Englewood, NJ. They've had it for years but it was seemingly unused and in increasingly dilapidated condition until a couple of months ago when the Pimp My Ambassador's Residence crew descended upon it. Now the Darnah Dandy says he wants to camp out there during his upcoming trip to nearby Manhattan, much to the chagrin of the local authorities.

Folks are concerned the town's large Jewish population might take offense at Sgt. Pepper and his Radical Islamic Hard Liner Hearts Club Band rolling into town. Come on, guys! He really didn't mean that crack about running all the Jews of the world into the sea! He was joshin' - he's such a card - the Dice Man & Don Rickles of the Middle East. Just ask his newest Pal, Johnny-B-Good McCain. Johnny, run on over to the Garden State and stand up for yer buddy.

Momar, baby - ya don't want to rock and roll in the sticks anyway - one of Trump's joints in the city is more your style! Maybe a Trump Soho Hotel Condo? That'll put ya in the thick of the action - close to the fashion district and the trendy artist community you so love but just a cab ride away from the mid-town or upper east side scene. Your personal bodygals will be bored silly in Englewood when Park Avenue beckons!

I wonder if J. Mac will offer his services as tour guide while the Libyan Lothario is in town? I know the Big Apple isn't exactly Johnny's turf, but it's only fair given the magical time he had recently at Momar's "Mustang" Ranch. Grampa Munster raved about it on Twitter and Facebook, sounding just a bit like a school girl with a crush. Must have been a mighty "interesting" time indeed. Do ya think they got juiced up on Benghazi Bourbon and started harmonizing to "Bomb-bomb-bomb, bomb-bomb Iran" together? Probably not, Momar doesn't drink (he's high on life).

Still, booze or no, you thought the SNL Czech Brothers were wild and crazy? Get Momar and Johnny together and they make those two look like the Bobbsey Twins. Look out, Scores! Daddy needs a new group of female bodyguards ...