Thursday, October 29, 2009

Santa's Slay

I fell off the workaholic wagon this past week.  And I'd been doing so good!  I'd been keeping to no more than 60 hour weeks, etc. Then I got sucked into emergency production support land on the 18th and suddenly I look up and it's the 29th.

Thank God Walmart decided to start selling caskets online.  I hear they're to die for. Ba Dum.

That news dragged me out of my working bender and back into what's most important in life. And in plenty of time for the holidays. I can start my Christmas shopping early!

Those of you with young ones are likely already worrying about how best to satisfy their toys-from-Santa jones this holiday season as it kicks into gear yet again. Little Suzie and Jimmy are surely even now starting to feast on an increasing diet of self centered materialistic tis-the-season greed, and you'll only watch it grow in ignorant anticipation as the big day approaches. This narcissism reaches its apex as they race out of bed on Christmas morning, scrambling for the living room to see what Santa has left for them under the tree.

Selfish little pricks.

This year, teach them the true meaning of Christmas (and life).  What is that, you say?  Why, suffering and death, of course.  And what says death better than a casket from Walmart, wrapped up in a bow?

Remember, caskets aren't just dynamite gifts for the terminally ill or elderly.  Oh, no, not at all.  Murder, accidents, suicide - everyone can use a stylish casket or urn, because you never know.  Think of it as the last bedroom set they'll ever need and that need can't be met soon or young enough. The topper is that you can do your shopping for these festive cadaver cocoons from the comfort of your home computer now, brought to you by that behemoth brand you know and love.

What are those massive items propped up next to the tree, kids?  Boy, Santa brought you both something pretty big!  Go on now, tear off the Christmas wrap so we can all see what they are!

Oh, gosh!  What are they, you ask?  Caskets!  That's right kids, your own Junior Caskets - go ahead and try 'em out!  Never too early to be prepared for the grim reaper!  I think Santa's helpers must have had some help themselves - from our neighbors at!

What's wrong, children?!!?

Sure, an XBox or Barbie Playhouse might have given you more immediate satisfaction; however, that kind of fun is fleeting. Time to put away that ignorant, obnoxious joy of yours and trade it in for some good old fashioned informed security.  Depressed?  I hope so! That's what the Pharmaceutical Industry is for - they'll fix ya up!  But that's for Christmases to come.  Let's focus on the here and now.  And look: Santa left you each twin bottles of pine and peppermint embalming fluid in your stockings!  Mmm, smells Christmas-y!   And see, Jimmie - your casket makes a super soap box derby racer while you're waiting to kick the bucket!  Maybe "kill" two birds with one stone - eh, son? Wink. Wink.

Now who wants some eggnog while Mom and I help you fill out those wills your older sister got you?!?