Secretary Lapre?

My mentor Don Lapre once said "Small ads equal big profits."

Actually, that was pretty much the only thing he said, but he managed to do it in many and varied ways, always with an enthusiasm normally only seen from coke fiends on a four day jag.

This guru clearly provides sage advice in any era but it's especially profound given today's economic climate.

I see you cringing.  "Steve!",  you exclaim.  "Don Lapre is a has-been and when he did have a TV presence on those 3am Making Money infomercials in the 90's, he was a transparently cartoonish huckster.  His utterances were pure nonsense."

My reply is simple: That's the point.  That's his genius.  

And don't forget his good works in the 21st century: "Greatest Vitamin in the World!"  They were some pretty good vitamins, I hear (better even than Flintstone Chewables or - dare I say - Lucy's Vitameatavegamin).

Mr. Lapre is a man whose time has finally come.  Two dimensional (really, closer to 1 1/2 dimensions) and so cartoonish he makes Roger Rabbit seem like Edward R. Murrow.  A guy whose catchphrases - indeed, almost everything he has said or written, including the contents of his Making Money package  - are filled with more mumbo jumbo than Alice through the Looking Glass.

And I know: I bought Making Money back in 1998.  I did it not so I could make money for myself - it was clear it wouldn't be much help there - but to help Don make money.  It was the Pet Rock of Get Rich Quick schemes, minus the rock.  It was magnificence unbounded - truly a sight to behold.  Mainly, I did it out of curiosity and I was most definitely not disappointed.

This is precisely why Don's more essential than ever.  We live in a world where the goings on of our nation's financial industry resemble nothing so much as a Road Runner re-run strained through the worst sort of acid trip and topped with unbridled brilliance in the art of idiocy.

Folks are calling for Tim Geithner's head.  He's a sharp numbers guy, but he's pretty light on charisma, on camera presence, on pitching lumps of shit and making the world see diamonds.   That's Don's sweet spot.  We need to sell small ads to countries with deep pockets and gullibility to spare (not an all that uncommon combination).   Like Don did, we'll start out from "our tiny one-bedroom apartment" at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.  Ship those All American Making Money packages at 50 mil a pop of pure profit.  If anyone can sell it, our boy can.

I say let's welcome Treasury Secretary Don Lapre to the cabinet.

By the Don's Early Light

My fever broke this morning and I'm slowly crawling out of this summer bug.

Apart from influenza (in August for chrissake), it's been a good week as they go.

I've learned, for instance, that a certain somebody has been googling 'agile software development' and knows enough about it to be extremely dangerous (for the techno-geeks, the pun is intended) but enough also to be a bit more sympathetic to its aims. Time will tell but signs are mildly encouraging.

And it's been a bright week for wacko 'celeb' YouTubeular happenings, what with the luvfest to Yukon Cornelius's cousin Sarah and The Moonwalker's Doktor Kavorkeeon Feelgood, with his 'Who me? I didn't do it' puzzler. I do have sympathy for needing to stretch professionally beyond your licensed practice into something as interesting as anesthesiology. And the Vegas High Rolling (Prescription) Script Writer had his hands full, his patient being a bit of an 'odd bird' and all. But there is that pesky Hippocratic Oath he's supposedly bound by. It's pretty airtight as I understand it, at least morally and ethically speaking.

Speaking of the gloved one, I hear tell they're finally gonna put him in the ground toward the end of the month, as a 'Birthday Present'. He'll appreciate the peace and quiet, I imagine. And the shade. I would guess he's getting a bit ripe propped up outside his Dad Joe's Discount Car Dealership in Anaheim, balloons in one hand and a 'Summer Sizzling Blowout Deals' sign in the other. It being August and all. But the sale's pretty much done and he's finished his last chore for the old man, so into the Earth ya go, son! Happy Birthday!

Speaking of death (or at least feeling like it), I awoke in a cold sweat around 3 this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. The TV was on and the usual pre-dawn Infomercials were in full swing. Between the usual male enhancement pitches and exercise mind fucks, there was some lame Get-Rich-Quick screed that seemingly went on forever. It was beyond forgettable (in fact, I don't remember it less than 12 hours later), but it did remind me of the King of that genre, Don Lapre. It's like a real bad shithole tavern cover band doing a Beatles tune: you recognize the beat and the melody but nothing else about it is right.

Nobody could touch Don in the Making Money department and he filled many a 1990s evening/early morning with entertainment aplenty for yours truly. I miss ol' Don, bursting onto the scene from his 'tiny one bedroom apartment' imparting wisdom to the masses with a formula whose simplicity and power would fill Einstein himself with pride: 'small ads equal big profits!'

Don would invariably be shown hanging out in Hawaii with the wind blowing off the ocean, chatting there with the multitude of millionaires he'd grown organically from the seeds of his sage advice. You could join him in this Rich Man's Paradise if only you'd just 'buy his package!'

And I did buy his package. Not to make money. God no, nothing that frivolous. I bought it for its philosophy, for its spiritual dimension. The power of his words could not be denied: 'Step 3, get rid of your ugly friends!' He was my L. Ron Hubbard and this was his Dianetics.

I never got to see his follow-up on the 'World's Greatest Vitamin' until recently but it was worth the wait! If Don Lapre stamps his name on it, well - ya get what ya pay for. A vitamin supplement is a vitamin supplement is a vitamin supplement you say? Not if Don says it's not! He's a man of his word, above all else. And he has real live Doctors to vouch for it! Doctors! Well, one Doctor, anyway, and one who definitely didn't kill either Elvis or his former Son In Law!

There are some cruel 'spoofs' of Don out there, so beware. Apparently folks are amused by his enthusiasm, but he's a serious cowboy with an honest vision a mile wide.

Donny, come back - we need ya more than ever! I have faith he'll return stronger and louder and truer.

He'll outlive us all.

Perhaps he'll run in 2012. He'd be perfect on a Sista Sarah ticket if it turns out he's not ready for the big chair. That is, unless she's already settled on R. Kelly. It depends on how important the golden shower demographic is come 2012 - it could be a pretty big block of the electorate by that point.

President Lapre. Has a nice sound to it, eh? And I think he's got a real cure to our nation's financial woes I bet Tim Geithner hasn't thought of: Small ads, big profits.